Up to Something

Yes, I'm still alive, for anyone who had bets going. So what has been going on in my universe for the past 4 weeks? Among other things:

• I have taken several editing tests that resulted in job interviews for this week. (One of them is even in the state I live in-- imagine that!)
• I have also had several freelance projects keeping me busy, and I'm collaborating with a friend from writers' group on writing a musical.
• The Man has started a new semester of killer classes and is already hitting the wall in calculus (for the third time).
• Pirate Boy has produced a series of drawings, titled "Dark Hole in the Mist," "Dark Hole in the Sea," and-- "Ten Thousand Pigs." Must be art.
• The aforementioned artistic buccaneer hand-made valentines for everyone in his class, but especially for his best girl A-b-b-y, who warranted a flower and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. He's only 5, but he's already got the hang of romance.
• Punkin Boy has plummeted off the couch, off several chairs and a table, and down the stairs, each time onto his face. His little nose is looking extremely beat up.
• Punkin has also taken to carrying a "purse" and calling himself a pirate girl. I don't make it up, folks, I just report it.
• The Man has decided that my religion is the right way to go after all. And there was much rejoicing.
• #1 Son's name came up in the lottery for the best school in the state (I mentioned this last year when we signed the kids up for consideration). Satan of course refused to even consider the possibility of allowing the boy to attend (did I mention-- yes, I did-- that it's the best school in the entire state?) and threatened to call the police (among other things) if The Man dared to enroll him against her wishes. Because, you know, there could possibly be another school that's better somewhere, and this one is a whole 10 minutes further away than the one he's been attending all year... Obviously, TM was just doing this to inconvenience her, and she wasn't going to stand for it and... blah blah blah, yell, threaten, foam at mouth...
• #1 Son cried all night after being yelled at for an hour by his psychotic excuse for a mother, who tried to convince him that it was his father who was standing in the way of his going to this school. An eternity of smoldering coals and brimstone is way too good a fate for her.
• The Man had the inspiration to offer to split the transportation with her (picking him up from her house two Sundays a month) in exchange for her agreement.
• #1 Son, with much joy and celebration, began attending his new school last Monday. He has already learned some Latin and karate, begun enjoying art class for the first time, and made friends with someone called "Sing"; he wears a tie every day and LOVES it.
• Because his big brother is now enrolled in this school, Pirate Boy has an automatic place for the fall. He is SO excited.
• The new school starts about an hour earlier than the previous one, and it is about half an hour away from us. So we're all a little cranky from lack of sleep. But it's a good cranky.
• Except for last Friday, when the two youngest woke up at 4:30 a.m. and WOULD NOT go back to sleep. Argh!

OK, that's about enough of the bulleted list; I'm getting a headache. And speaking of headaches, Satan's been at it again. Tonight she calls up, ostensibly to talk to #1 Son, but actually of course to pester The Man. No, strike that, make it "give the man nightmares." Again. In her role as "World's Most Loving Mother," she has decided that it is time (because apparently the restraining order has run out) to reintroduce #1 Son to his stepbrother, the molester. Specifically, the guy who molested him. Just 2 months before Mommy Dearest married the guy's dad. Because you want to cement that relationship, you know. Don't give the kid a chance to escape the nightmare. Now, 18 months after the guy was taken away in handcuffs for what he did (and would have continued to do if #1 Son hadn't been brave enough to tell), Satan Herself wants to force a reintroduction. Because it's important that these boys (one of whom is nearly-- if not already-- 18) should have a close relationship. Or in other words, she can't afford a babysitter this summer.

So, she makes this statement to the effect that she wants to get them together and restore the relationship. The Man says no, he thinks that would be very harmful to #1 Son at this time and that if he wants to have a relationship later (i.e., after he's 18 also), that will be his choice. Satan says, tough luck, I'm doing it anyway. The Man bites his lip to the bleeding point and hands the phone to #1 Son, who is standing waiting to talk to his beloved Mommy. Then he goes down the hall and screams very quietly.

After much consideration (well, a short while to calm down and a LOT of ranting off-camera) and a nudge from his wife, The Man sends an email to The Evil One: "I do not approve of your plan to do X with #1 Son. If you insist on doing it anyway, I will pursue all options available to me through the legal system." It was a masterpiece of restraint. And, I hope, of menace. She loves to use the threat of legal/police action when things don't go her way. I can just imagine her going to her lawyer and complaining about this one:

Devil's Advocate: No, sorry; I'm evil, but I'm not omnipotent. No court on earth would buy that one. That'll be $50.

Sick, twisted, evil waste of human life. The worst thing is, she'll do it anyway. And get away with it. Can someone tell me why?