Monday, September 08, 2008

In Retrospect: One Year

One year ago this weekend, my beloved husband, the man of my dreams, the light of my life, broke my heart into bits and turned my life upside-down. Because I loved him so much and wanted so much for our family to stay together, I responded with compassion and forgiveness. I tried extra hard to be the best wife I could be; I obviously had plenty of flaws.

In response to my efforts, my husband closed himself off from me. I cried. A lot.

Weeks went by, and I started to wonder why I kept trying when he seemed so uninterested. I still wonder.

One night he slept in the basement and I found a note in a woman's handwriting giving directions to another woman's house. It could have been innocent. He says it might have been. He doesn't really know, though. Apparently, he's given up rational thought.

That was only the beginning of what I found. In the next 12 hours, I had enough to start divorce proceedings. But I didn't. I threw the bum out, and when he called later, I chewed him out, too.

And then I took him back. Well, he'd confessed and said sorry, he'd gotten medical and psychological treatment, and he'd actually taken some steps to return to being the man I loved. I thought he meant it. I really wanted it to work.

It's not that I don't know that wishing doesn't make it so. I do. But it was more than wishing, I thought.

We started marriage counseling in January, and he started experimenting with his meds. I could tell instantly when he wasn't taking them, but he didn't see the difference. Therapy went poorly as he remained uncommunicative and unapologetic. "It's in the past!" he'd say, "Can't we just move on?"

I hear that's a typical cry of unfaithful husbands. I hate that I had to hear it from mine.

But I kept trying. My beautiful little boys kept me trying to hold the marriage together, no matter what. Seeing what #1 Son has gone through with his divorced parents over the past 11 years kept me resolutely opposed to putting my babies in that position, ever. I'd suffer if I had to, but I couldn't let that happen to them.

Finally, I realized that I couldn't shield them anymore. For starters, I overheard Pirate Boy saying to his little brother, "Daddy's a little crazy." More than once. And my husband was neglecting not only his family, but his work and school. When he did work, half the time the money never saw our bank account. It was getting desperate.

But you know what? I could have dealt with all that if only...

...if only my husband still loved me.

But he doesn't, and I can't take it anymore. I just can't.

And yet... like a hopelessly romantic idiot, I'm giving him one last chance. He has one year. One year to become the man the children and I need him to be. One year to be a decent husband and father. One more year.

Think it'll happen?


Jack said...

I'll hope it'll happen. I really don't know TM outside of the internets . . . just met him that one time at a family reunion, but he seemed like a good guy. I sincerely hope things work out like you want them too.

Good luck.

Renee said...

We can all hope and pray, but in the end we all know that it's God's Will that will be done. We all know that this isn't what God wants for you and your boys. Hang in there.

Mama Cat said...

To quote one of my favorite movies...It would take a miracle.

Sylvia said...

Honey, every prayer and hope for good is in this for the long haul from us. We love TM too, but the knucklehead just doesn't deserve you. You are right to give him every chance. You need time to clear your head away from him, and he needs to be dropkicked without you as a safety net. My heart aches for you and I hope you get to exhale peacefully soon.

Jessica said...

Good luck, dear.

Scone said...

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate your love and support.

Jack: He used to be a good guy. I'm sure he really was. I just don't know who he is now. It's sad and scary.

Mama Cat: You're right, and while I know miracles can happen, I'm not counting on one this time. It's all a matter of TM's choices, which lately haven't been what they need to be.

KoryO / Joey's Mom said...

There's lots of words I'd use to describe you, but "idiot" isn't one of them. ;)

Not to sound too much like a tired old phart, but I've seen too much that I don't count on miracles or shooting stars or whatever like I once did. All I know is that you are one tough mama, and somehow you will find the way to survive this. Take care, and will be wishing for the best for you and your boys.

Jen said...

I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're trying to do everything you can in this situation. It may well be that there IS nothing you can do to fix this all, but it won't be for lack of trying.

I will keep you in my prayers.